"Bangkok Dangerous" (2008)

While this is breaking form, there's really no solution other than this: Burning the Cage candle at both ends; watching the old from Genesis, and watching the new as they emerge from the Future Soup of any infinite number of Cage possibilities (where, ultimately, there are still only 2: He either says It, or he does not).

So I saw it.

He does not say It.

My life is entirely unchanged for having seen it.

But I had the amazing opportunity to put some Cage-logic to the test.

In Bangkok Dangerous (the ONLY new film to be released for the September 5 weekend. What a man is Cage!), Nicholas Cage plays a hitman known only as "Joe." *Spoiler Alert* There is no titular line spoken by a Thai man in broken Engrish, and for that, I guess I am thankful (ahh yes Mistah Joe. Bangkok ah vewy dangowous). So it's still unclear as to why this movie is called "Bangkok Dangerous."

At one point in the film, Cage tells his employee-cum-understudy (gross, I know, but get your head out of the gutter), in a first display of trust (and breaking his own Assassin's Code), that "there's a beer in the 'fridge," and that a beer will help take down the swelling of a beating he just took.

Later that night, back on Earth 1, I saw a massive bar brawl at All-Star Lanes in Eagle Rock whilst singing the second half of Meatloaf's classic duet, "I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)." Bottles smashed on faces, hair-pulling, furniture throwning, meat-slapping sounds of human fists on human bodies. Someone supposedly pulled a gun. The cops showed up. And while waiting to clear out, I really wanted to go up to one of the 20-or-so victims and give them the always sound, yet perennially untrue advice of Master Cage, "there's a beer in the 'fridge. It'll help take the swelling down."

But I didn't. But I told Eric. And he laughed. And I laughed. What fun is this Life of Cage.